Acceptance

Acceptance has been one of the words swirling through my mind in the last few months, especially as I have grappled with the idea of accepting things that simply "are" and stand without need for judgement whether good, bad, or indifferent. The point is, somethings simply are. And some things simply are not.

Almost 40. Divorced. Scarred. Bruised. Standing. Healing. Learning. I could be labeled with an entire alphabet soup of diagnoses on my bad days. On my good days, I'm a high functioning, healthy, balanced individual who knows how to meet her own needs the needs of others while respecting boundaries of others and maintaining her own. Most days... are somewhere in between. And that, is. I've earned the insecurities AND I'm working through the underlying beliefs as they surface and resurface. I've earned the distrust I have about other people and their intentions AND I'm working on leaning into the fear of vulnerability and authenticity. There's a reason I've worn a mask most of my life AND there's a reason I'm in the process of getting rid of it. Quite frankly, it doesn't serve me, and never really did. I admire those who stand in their uniqueness, I admire the ones who embrace their quirks, and are unapologetically themselves... while working to grow into the very best version of themselves.

At the end of the day, we all want to be accepted. The message I got when I was a child was "nope, you're still not good enough" and "don't mess up, my affection is conditional on you behaving and performing a certain way" and "some will never be enough, some will never do enough." This was the backdrop against which I heard the messages of my young adulthood, a teen bride, trying to be a good wife and mom, and yet still yearning for the security of "I love and accept you, no matter what." And the other problem was I was convinced that any man to truly and earnestly and genuinely loved me enough that I was willing to receive... got "taken away" that I somehow wasn't deserving. A lesson taught by multiple early experiences... and reinforced through later experiences. And unfortunately, I spent the first 7 years of my marriage keeping my husband at arms length partly for that, and there were other reasons. At the 7 year mark, we faced the mirror and eachother, leaned in and got to work. And the record kept on playing. When he tried to tell me his needs weren't being met, I heard "you'll never be enough for me." I felt like a hamster in a wheel that was trying to make it to the finish line. My wedding day is about the halfway point of my life right now. And I'm just now absorbing that in order to love others and accept others... I need to love and accept myself. I'm the only one who will never leave. I can forsake myself as I have for a big portion of my life, but I'm the only one who will not leave, nor get taken away. I wish you could tell that 19 year old bride so many things. And yet, as painful as the lessons have been, especially in the last couple years, I am finally earning my gratitude. I can trace the scars of prior psychic wounds, and almost look across them and it's as though I can see lessons abounding in them, teaming beneath the surface.

I've been doing a lot of reading recently, and I have learned that we all need a place where we belong. It is a fundamental human need. We need our tribe, it's how our nomadic ancestors survived. The loners... were easy to pick off. The very survival of a commumity was dependent on interdependence and connection among its members. Those needs for love and acceptance didn't need to be so fought for by the individual, because they would have know their clan members had their back both literally and figuratively because their lives depended on it. We are more alone today than we have been in human history. No wonder there's an epidemic of mental health deficits.

I'm choosing to love and accept myself and push myself to be and do better because, I want to give back, and I don't have the advantage of getting those needs filled outside myself very often. This way, I can give freely to others, without expecting or even hoping for anything in return. The only way to be able to give that kind of love is when we have those needs met.

I won't judge you for the way you look on the outside. In fact, I'll never make a judgement of another person's worth, period. I want to see the people around me. I want to be seen. The good, the bad, the ugly. And I want to love you for and in spite of all of those parts you try hide. I mean me. I want to be able to love all the parts of me, especiallythe ones I hide from the worldfor fear or pain and ridicule. And the next step on that journey is accepting myself in totality, including the ugly truths about myself. I want to see ... beyond the mask. I'm taking mine off, you see, I want you to see me... so that I can see you.