Sensitive

The last couple of months have been a roller coaster ride in pretty much all of life's sectors.

In no particular order: Friendship challenges, dating frustrations, work dilemmas, kid stresses, ex husband stresses, even some spiritual things to wrestle with, issues with renewing the lease for my home, some leaks (in my roof, in my shower and in my eyes).

And you know what?

I'm

Still

Standing

Today's obstacles and challenges are the starting blocks of the next phase of growth.

Spoiler alert: I contend with anxiety and depression. They are a part of me. They are a byproduct of my sensitivity, compassion, concern for others.... combined with some maladaptive coping mechanisms I developed over the last 40 years. I have described my feelings as "big" as in, I feel my emotions in every fiber of my being. Anger, loss, fear, dread, sadness, all cause intense and widespread pain throughout my body. I assume this is everyone's experience... except that....I'm not so certain anymore. Joy, contentment, happiness, love, make me feel like I'm buzzing all over. I don't know if I'm special in those experiences or not. I sure told myself for a very long time that the bigness of my emotions was inappropriate, wrong, shameful. So I began deflecting the things I found joy in, and making light of the things that caused me pain. And then I started denying myself the freedom to feel anything. Because walking around disconnected from everything was preferable to dealing with the mountains of unprocessed emotions I had been hoarding for as long as I can remember. It was my divorce that began to crack open the shutters and allow light into the depths of my feelings that I had just been stuffing amd stuffing and stuffing for nearly 4 decades. Make a mental picture of the worst case home you've seen on hoarders. That was the inside of my mind. Things really started moving last spring when the door was pulled off its hinges in what I view as the adversary's attempt to destroy me.

But God.

Once the door was opened, there stood two young ladies who stood there with a candle, allowing light to shine where darkness and decay had taken over. They were never pushy. They held the light for me until I found my own candle, and they then shared their light with me once I had cleared enough of the debris to find and hold my own candle. And as I have cleared more and more debris, I have filled the space with ever increasing light.

Yet, for all the progress I have made, there is still so much more ahead that still needs to be cleared and left with a candle in its space. It will be done in time. I have faith.

Do I still behave in ways that I am ashamed of almost immediately after? oh, definitely yes! Do I own that and seek reconciliation when it happens. Also yes. I'm trying, I'm learning and relearning healthier ways of coping, and interacting in my relationships.

Each of my relationships is precious to me. A sad truth I have come to realize is that very few feel the same about me. And you know what?? That's OK. I'm sensitive. I fall hard, I love hard, my heart is still soft after everything. And every morning. I rise. A new woman. Eyes on the target, full steam ahead. I'm working on the idea of acceptance right now. Accepting what is, what is not, what is not yet, and what is beyond my control.

And this is certain:

I will rise, and I will thrive.