Some Days Are Just That Way

An ordinary day, any other day, it could have been any other day.

but it was the middle of a week long deep freeze/winter storm event.

it also happened to be a Sunday (my favorite day of the week)

it also happened to be Valentine’s Day

it also happened to be the first time I didn’t have a Valentine in over 2 decades- and it was all my own doing.

It was the day my facade finally broke

i cried for the first time in about a month

I’ve been looking for this kind of a rupture of feelings. Maybe now that I’ve identified the feelings... loss, rejection, abandonment, unworthiness and worthlessness... and not being accepted for the totality of my being. Maybe the problem is that I am still too hard on myself. Maybe I dismiss my own self... while accepting others, excusing others, but gaslighting myself for my own feelings. I had made a lot of progress and growth in this area, and then sigg my ethnic happened I don’t kn out w what. But it was something. I started gaining weight again andcdlipping into old patterns. But I didn’t see it until now. its time for another respite and time of retreat and healing. I B want so badly to be able to go and get back out there..... but my greatest fears are feeding themselves. Intimacy Vulnerability and love on the one side with rigidity, closed off ness and isolation on the other. I fear both sides, and desire both sides.

I fear not falling in love again, but rather being hurt by someone capable of hurting me again.