Don't Let Fear Win

Babe Ruth has been credited with the following quote:

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

May 2020: The picture here was my last hurrah of strength. The day after the night I'd rather forget, I was called in to work, and I was still processing the events of the night before. I've never worn my hair down to work before. I refused to go down without a fight for my soul, but I was still grappling with the reality of what happened, not knowing the stakes. I am not this woman any longer, but one thing about me: I will always say "I got this" even if I don't.

I wrote these words on August 28, 2020:

I miss having a hype person to hold space for my little ball of emotions. The acceptance of the totality of who I am. I had that once. Sadly, I'm not talking about my exhusband. It's gone and will never be back. I've been brutally broken and I'm scared as hell of being hurt again. I know the only way to get what I want is to be vulnerable and face that fear head on. But. In order to get what I want, I have to put myself in a position to get hurt again. I try. I try so hard to get passed it. To try to move past the trust issues I have. The most physical touch I've had from any man in 3 months is a hug, once, and when i received a blessing. Im scared of more because of my experiences... but I know I have to face that fear.

I'm not in a good spot today. I'll be ok. But I just want to cry. So I'm going to. No one else is here to hold space for me, so I'll do it for myself. No one else to wipe the tears. So I'll do it myself. No one else to offer encouraging words, so I'll find them myself. Being single has taught me how to do for myself what comes so naturally to do for others.

And today, December 5, 2020:

Since then, I started dating a bit here and there. I've made connections, and I've learned a lot about myself in the process. The lessons in doing for myself are beautiful! I've learned that vulnerability is the key and authenticity is the door. We all have our facade. Even if you don't think you do, you do. There is the "you" that faces each of your relationships, and the "you" that you use to face the groups of audiences in your life, and then there's YOU. Standing alone. Doors locked. In the bathroom. Naked before you get in the shower. You've taken off everything you can hide behind. And you stare at the marks left by the journey you have taken thus far. As you gaze into the mirror, who is staring back at you? How close are they to the you that you portray for the world? Think about the armor you put on to hide the tenderest parts of yourself.

For a while, I put those things on display for the world to see. I did that because I didn't want people to come near me, but I wanted to be seen. And because if someone came near me, they wouldn't be able to use those things to hurt me. I didn't want them to find those things and run away, because they were ugly. In my shame of my scars, I wore them as a warning: "beware: this one is damaged."

Today, I am no longer ashamed of my scars. I have been able to much more effectively pack some of my baggage so it is not so heavy and bulky. Distilling the lessons from the experiences does that for you. I am more selective about showing my scars today, not because I am ashamed, but because I value those lessons, and not everyone is privileged enough to earn that intimate a view in why I behave the way I do. My experiences have propelled me forward on my journey of personal and spiritual development. They have made me who I am. For really the first time in my life, I like me, I love me, I'm proud of me, I accept me. It took over 38 years to get to this point. And that is ok.

It still scares me big to let someone in. But I want a partner in my life. I don't want someone to fix my life, nor I his, I want to hold someone's hand as we fix ourselves and help eachother heal. I also came to the realization... The person I want has scars. So that we would not have pity for one another, but rather to understand each other, and hold space. If you've seen finding Nemo, "we go out, we go back in. We go out, we go back in." That's my default, my fall back is to withdraw.

I choose to be bold and "just keep swimming" in spite of the risks. While I'm swimming, I'll learn more, and grow more. I can choose to say, "yes, I deserve what I want" and face my fear or I can let fear dictate and keep me from the connection I seek. In taking my life back, I take back fear's stronghold and choose to take a chance instead.

Vulnerability and authenticity take courage. They are a risk, but they are entry fee to gain a chance at winning. The only way to win is to play, and the only way to play is to show up. The truth is even if you "lose" you will still probably fare better than the guy who stayed home afraid to take a chance.