Vulnerable

Midnight ponderings and reflections lead to wakeful pondering and reflections... and processing the feelings that accompany them. Today's feeling of choice... vulnerability... fear... not the kind that freezes you... but the one that does sometimes make you wonder...

What if?

What if I screw my life up more than I already have?

What if I hurt yet another person or more than one?

What if I hurt myself again?

What if I let someone destroy me again?

What if I haven't healed enough?

What if I'm not worthy?

What if I'm really not as deserving as I think I am... or conversely, what if I deserve every bit of pain that comes my way? Because the truth is, I have royally screwed up ... over and over and over again, and I am probably the number one person who continues to punish myself for it.

What if I let someone close enough... and they don't choose me... again?

What if?

What if?

What if?

What if I'm the last one standing... again? Everyone picks a person... and I'm left as the odd one out. That's my fear. That's my insecurity. That's my thorn, my Achilles' heel.

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This is not me asking for pity. I have my self talk. I know who I am. I know to whom I belong. This me standing with some of my scars bared. I still struggle with insecurity. I suspect I always will. I have some of these pathways laid down in my youth, and I am trying to overwrite. But it's hard. Some days are really hard.

The truth is that I know that my sins and transgressions have been forgiven... but I am the one struggling to forgive myself. The price has already been paid for my sins.

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366 days ago... my fragile heart broke again. What pieces of my life i had started to put back together after my divorce fell around me in a flurry of face masks, hand sanitizer, stay home orders and tail lights. I knew he wouldn't be back... even though he denied it. In my heart I knew.

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Is it so much to want to be loved? to be cherished? to be wanted? to be chosen? to be accepted? to belong?

Today, the answer is yes. it is too much to get it from the source I am seeking it from.

The other side of this coin is that it is not too much. Because for these things I seek, I need only recall the Atonement of Christ. He paid the ultimate price for me to have the opportunity to choose Him. He chose me, He and my Heavenly Father love, cherish, want, chose, and accept me. I belong to my Savior, I took His name upon me when I was baptized, and with that, I know all that entails.

I am loved, and cherished beyond my own understanding.

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Sometimes our pain brings us to our knees... that we might look up.

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I am grateful for this reminder...