Year Marks and New Beginnings

1 year ago, our nation was called upon to stay home for 2 weeks to “flatten the curve” which progressed to 40 days... and subsequently one of the weirdest years yet. Time to get vulnerable, Friday March 13, 2020... that was the day my house of cards came tumbling down. I found myself in a pit of despair, rejection, self-loathing, fear, panic, uncertainty, and hopelessness. I knew where the light was, but I struggled with feelings of unworthiness and shame and guilt. So. Much. Guilt.

I found myself reaching out to people who I knew loved me and loved God. I needed to hear what they were telling me.... over and over and over in order to drown out the self deprecating track that was running on repeat in my head. I was trying so hard to find the surface.... but it felt like there were boulders attached to my ankles, and I could barely get a gasp in before being pulled back under the crushing waves of depression, panic attacks, and what I new identify as... grief.

one thing I realized last spring that was really solidified.... with every loss I experienc, I relive my father’s death. Over and over and over and over. I see him sickly thin, jaundiced, with his bloated belly. My hero. The strongest man I ever knew.... barely able to move or even speak. every loss. Every heartbreak.... takes me right back to those last moments I saw him alive. So, yes, I grieved the loss of my marriage, and all those dreams, as well as the dreams and hopes I had poured into my relationship that had just ended... and I relived my father‘s death.... again. Last Spring, amid the chaos of this new virus.... my personal life was spinning out of control, and I was free falling. I was doing all the things.... I sought counseling, medication, exercise, healthy diet, lots of phone calls and reconnecting with friends. But I was still spinning my wheels. I was still trying so hard... just to keep breathing. Along the way, I would encounter 2 young women, and they were a Godsend. They were a source of light in my darkness. Hannah and Elle, with their loving acceptance of me, and my story.... changed my life. I give credit so someone named David, who I doubt I have ever met in person, because it was his words and his connection to these young women that ultimately reminded me of who i Am and who I was called to be.

march 25 2020 started like this:

but it ended with this: a beatiful gift from Elle and Hannah. The book that saved my life, and reminded me of the love Christ has for us, including you.... and me. And as small a gesture as the wildflower was.... it made a huge impact on my heart...

This was one of the key turning points for me, as I rediscovered who I am as a person in this world. My life had been leveled.... and I was sinking below in order to prepare to emerge from the ashes of my life.

3 months later, almost to the day, on June 24, 2020, I was baptized. I have fought hard to forgive and accept myself And my past; it’s been the hardest thing, and I still have soooo far to go.

a year ago, rejection hit me in a profound way. Today, self acceptance is where I am currently focusing my efforts to heal and change and grow.

I survived the crucible of the last 2 years. It’s time to shine.

my hope is that one day, I will find that all the pain was worth it, that what I went through was of a benefit for someone along the way.